When You Just Can’t Feel Anything

I woke to all this unbridled beauty and felt nothing.

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What ordinarily takes the breath away lays frozen white just like this spirit gripped in the vice of cruel meds and nothing will shake it, not even the most beautiful feathery white form of precipitation that brings heart palpitations with its glory. How do you praise and thank when there is no feeling? When a shadow of joy is nowhere to be found? When prednisone is hitting the system, the spouse, the children, the hamster and all others just happening into my messy day and I am just doing my best to breathe?

I open The Book searching, asking questions of ‘where are you God’ because even that is a sign of life hidden deep inside, the beginning of hope about to bloom because he promises us the God hunters that if we seek for Him, we will find him and he is not far off. I find him here between the pages of Psalm 22….a much needed love letter delivered just in time:

   He has never let you down,
    never looked the other way
    when you were being kicked around.
He has never wandered off to do his own thing;
    he has been right there, listening.

He is listening to every painful sigh, to the silent pleas  for ‘help’, to this weary heart wondering how nine months of this will ever be over and will anyone still love me in the end? The God who was my midwife at birth, who handed me over into my mother’s arms, is still the God present, active, alive, ever near.

Determined to be a God hunter of this day I pull on boots and scarves, gloves and coat to wander out into the majestic world of white and this friend, is courage, because underneath all these layers all I really want to do is hibernate and eat this all day long. But something in my spirit says ‘go’ because experience has taught there is treasure found in surrendering to the moment for we walk by faith when we are blinded by all that would consume. We leave space for God to do his work, to show up in the impossible. Perhaps these pauses in our lives are the very places God is doing the deepest work of the heart.

I round a corner in the dark wood, beauty envelopes and this soul smiles as rays of light shine down diamonds sparkling.

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